Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Today's Wish

I wish that finding someone to love was not such a big part of life.

If this is giving up, then I'm giving up.

Tonight I met some friends out at a bar. I looked around and decided that I wanted to meet a boy that I thought was cute and flirt a little. So we go and talk to these three guys who are a bit younger than we are. But they are cute. And I realize that I don't know how to flirt and mean it anymore. I don't think I will ever unlearn how to just flirt with people, but to flirt and want someone out of the flirting is different.
It took me a long time to fall in love. (For the first and only time.) I think I am very careful about my feelings and am not that willing to let just anyone trample over them. I thought I really had something. I thought that I was in love with someone who was in love with me and it turns out that it just was not good enough.
I want to be in love. But I am not sure I believe it exists.
And now I am not sure that I am up for being a victim of love.
I want a family and a partner to support and to support me, but I am not sure that balance is available anymore. Especially as every day I get older and further off of the motherhood playing field.
I thought I had everything and it turns out I have nothing. The worst part is to find that the person that you trusted with all your feelings and all your intimate thoughts turns out to be the biggest liar and betrayer. Even worse, such a coward that he can't face up to what he has done. Even Utah is too good for you.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I love my job! I love my job! I love my job! I love my job! I love my job! I love my job! I love my job! I love my job!

That's my new mantra at work, because I seem to be everyone's lackey now. One of our senior people came down to ask me to do something for him. That kind of thing never happens. He is on the floor 3 floors higher than mine. I think they are seeing how far they can push me before I go postal and my company can join the ranks of some of the other companies that are heavily in the news with such great controversies like the CEO shacking up with a secretary, etc.
After three months of doing both my job and my old job, which they have yet to fill since promoting me, I went in to grumble at my boss. Now, I have done all the work, staying overtime when need be, with only minor frowning... But today, well, I had to pout loudly. This is what conspired...
Me: Why have we not filled that position yet?
Boss: Um, mumble, mumble...
Me: [hands on hips]
Boss: Well, you know that we are waiting for the most over qualified person we can find.
Me: Right. Well, this is unfair.
Boss: But you are doing a great job.
Me: Duh. [glaring]
Boss: You like being busy.
Me: I know, but that is not the point. It's not fair.
Boss: Let's have a meeting about it (never). Now don't you feel like there are some people out there you have not helped today? Get out there so I can call you back in here (every 5 seconds).

(Just for the record, it is a great job. But they will take advantage until you put your foot down, and then they take some more and try to appease you by saying, but you do it so well. Punks. And I know, why don't I find another job... They pay me lots! But eventually I will. So don't start. Sometimes I just need to vent. )

My wish for today

I would like to be able to not worry about things that are out of my control.

Big boobs make up for anything!

Okay, so I was watching MTV's Making the Video: Jessica Simpson These Boots are Made for Walking.
First of all, she can't sing. It hurts my ears and makes me go deaf. It is akin to a fork being run along a chalkboard. Ouchie.
She moves her mouth in a weird way, like her jaw is rubberbanded shut and she is struggling against the rubberbands. And when she does open her mouth, I am temporarily blinded by the whiteness of her teeth. (Much like people are blinded when exposed to the whiteness of my legs.)
She is slightly demonic looking. Like an imp. It scares me. And her father scares me. And her sister scares me. (Even if, shamefully, I have Ashlee's cd.)
Jessica's body is rocking! So hot! I want her body. Even if she is tanning it in order to look more like Louis Vuitton bag. And she has big boobs which is apparently always a good thing.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Oh, he's questionable at best... Not-guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt...? Not a chance.


Way to go, California justice system. Proving once again how fair you are. Come on! Not even a guilty verdict for giving the kids booze? In a can!?! Calling it Jesus juice!?! Can we indict him on being the biggest freak ever?
If I plan on committing a crime, I am going to become famous and move to California. (In some order...) I can get away with anything.
Murdered your wife and some dude? Sure! Go play golf, buddy.
Murdered your ugly wife? That's okay. She was ugly. Go do the Larry King Live show, pal. Touch little kids and be a living anime character? Well, you do own the Beatles stuff, so I am sure you meant no harm by it. Enjoy the rollercoaster, you freak!
Damn!
Californians must have a combined IQ of 4. (At least the ones who serve on jury duty.)

(Totally stole that picture from this website.) Posted by Hello