How youuuuu doin'?

Ever since I was a wee little thing, I have loved to chat people up. My mom used to always say that the only reason she knew about my neighbors was because I had been there and gotten their whole life story out of them within the first five minutes of conversation. I have always been a chatterbox and I like to meet random people. When I was a teenager, I tested ground by throwing out bizarre questions at strangers I met, to see how they would react. I was fascinated by the reactions to questions like, “Do you believe in capital punishment?”. I have always had an attraction to personal dynamics. I love to see how people respond to situations and to each other. I also like attention. I am used to it and it comes natural to me to attract it. So when does that stop being harmless flirting? I looked up flirting in the dictionary.

1. Coquette: a seductive woman who uses her sex appeal to exploit men

I don’t think of myself as all that seductive. I guess I can be if I want someone, but on a general basis, I am not trying to exploit anyone. But this one got me thinking. What if the person I smile at thinks I am being seductive. It is not my intention, yet people misread cues all the time. But on the other hand, rarely do I get asked out. Maybe I do and it just does not have an effect on me and so I don’t pay attention? But I can see how this is harmful, especially when in a relationship. It is just something I never really thought about. I think I need to think about other people’s feelings a lot more. I think one of my bigger problems is that I really don’t have any bad intentions. Therefore, I can’t understand why someone would think I do. It does not even cross my mind, most of the time, to think that someone thinks that I have something up my sleeve. I am just trying to laugh a bit. But as I get older, and have been in more situations, I realize that feelings are easy to hurt.

2. Chat up: talk or behave amorously, without serious intentions; "The guys always try to chat up the new secretaries"; "My husband never flirts with other women"

See, this is me. This is how I categorize myself. I like to talk to people. I like to laugh and make other people laugh. I think that performer in me has never gone away. I honestly believe that most people see my intentions like this. Harmless. Just chatting. I think that when you go to a bar, part of the reason is to be out amongst others. And I don’t have a problem when people talk to people. The only caveat is that if you are on a date and you are chatting up the people at the bar next to you, be sure to involve the person that you are with. But I never have intentions that are anything less than honorable. Who knows, maybe you make a new friend. But, usually no. And I know that. My intention is to have fun. With people. And then go home. Alone. (Or with whomever I came with.)
My question is, what is considered flirting? I always thought that it was with the intention to hit on someone. I don’t think I am a flirt in that regard. But I do love to talk to people. I love it. I also love it when the people I am with are having fun and chatting people up. It demonstrates to me that they are relaxed and having a nice time. Though I do have to reiterate that you need to involve your friends, or your date, or whoever.
I think a little flirting can be a harmless ego boost. Maybe I am more insecure than I think I am. Maybe the onus should be on the datee of the flirter to flirt with her/him (the flirter). I would way rather engage in conversation with my date than some random person.
But I don’t ever want someone to be uncomfortable around me. That makes me so sad. That goes against everything that I am. I think a lot of my personality stems from wanting to make everyone happy and feel safe. I guess that backfires on me sometimes. I also think that communication is a key to all of this, too.
If you are out with your girl, or guy, and she/he is chatting with someone, join the conversation. They want you to. Your guy/girl wants you to.
But what if someone is lurking. Would I be to blame because someone wanted to talk to me? What is my best way of handling the situation? I know this sounds dumb, but if the role were reversed, I would touch my man. (If I noticed some fine chica hovering around.) I would whisper something in his ear. I don’t know. But I would let her know he was mine. And I would truly expect that he would respond in kind to me. But what should I do in the circumstances of a lurker? Should I cut him off? Be rude? Say beat it? I would like to be polite. Besides, if someone is rudely brushed off, isn’t that much more of a lead in to a brawl than a polite no thank you? If you have any thoughts on this, please say so. I would like to know what my best reaction should be. I have never had any problems with people being extraordinarily rude to me or wanting to start something, and I think it is because I am friendly, but I also show that I am not interested. I know people who know me may go, huh? But I usually think it is pretty clear that I am not interested and that person will go away. I know Marci can back me up on this. Like I said, I like to have fun, but I am not flirting to get somewhere.
A friend of mine was invited to go out with a group of people after an event one night by a minor celebrity. She thought it would be fun to hang out with him and his friends and hers. Like me, her intentions were good and she did not think anything of it. But her friends talked her out of it. She was in a serious relationship. They asked her how her guy would feel about. We talked about this situation, my friend and I. I was in the same opinion as her. In my head, it was just a night out. A fun time. Nothing sinister. Nothing dirty. But we talked about it for a long time. And we attacked it from her guy’s point of view. We realized that it would be hurtful, even though the purpose was not anything raunchy at all. But it was enlightening to see someone else with my point of view in regards to an “innocent” night out.
It might take me a while. I am learning. It is hard to change your mindset. I never intend to hurt people. It’s hard to change my mind about being friendly. But when your friendliness wounds someone you care about, that is just cruel.
I apologize. I never realized I could be so mean by being friendly. (I know that might come across like I am being facetious, but I am not.) I know I sure as hell am no saint, but I also have never hurt anyone intentionally.
I am also not going to say that I will change. It’s ingrained. I hope that I can adjust myself to be more thoughtful.