Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Still here. Still tired. Still broke.*

I used to enjoy talking to Rick. I had to lean in really close to hear what he said because he spoke so very quietly. He didn't smell all that great, which made leaning in less desirable, but boy, he sure knew a lot about a lot. Every now and then he'd get on a tangent about George Bush, and the CIA, and honestly, I did not know what to do with that. Nonetheless, I felt there was something to it. I think his dad was in the Navy and maybe he was, too. I don't know.

Rick was sick and Rick was homeless. He had a family somewhere. I knew this because his mom came once to try and bring him home. But he found his home. It was at my church, where he greeted me each time I came. One time I greeted him and he asked me who I was. It offended me. Can you believe that? I was offended that after so many years of talking with him, he didn't remember me. This happened one time and it offended me so much, I never sat and spent time talking to him again. Oh, I greeted him, and held the door open, but suddenly, I was blocked.

I usually feel like I'm a pretty good person. Not perfect. Not even great, but good. I may even take pride in it. That's kind of paradoxical, isn't it? Taking pride in my goodness. Right now I just feel like a jerk. A mean, inconsiderate, and cruel jerk.

He had a brain tumor and other assorted tumors, in addition to schizophrenia. Now perhaps I never saw his medical records, but I knew he struggled with his health and mental well-being. I know this. What snapped that made me cut him off? And the biggest irony, as I mentioned before, I only saw him at my church.

The church truly was his home. He was very careful to protect it. He would cover his hand so no one could see the code that lets you in the back door. He would patrol the property and kick out other people who tried to nestle in. He'd join us for coffee and cake on Sundays, and very respectfully excuse himself to go out and have a smoke. He and I used to sit on the sofa, drinking coffee and talking sports.

He used to walk around DC a lot. He made friends with a lot of people. He saved the best things the church gave to him to give to others who needed it more than he did. He left what had known and chose to follow his own path and I think that he lived life the way he wanted to, given his circumstances.

Rick died last week. He was in his late 50s. His family took him home to NC where his family, including his two children could memorialize him. They lost him a long time ago, but now they could finally rest, knowing he was not hurting anymore.

His death made me suddenly shine a huge spotlight on how I treat people. It's terrifying. I don't want to be so self-indulgent that I will remove you if you don't make me feel like I'm a good person. It was not his fault that he didn't recognize me. Who knows what was going on that day for him? Just like that guy who cuts me off and follows it up with the middle finger, I don't know his situation.

Today I was in Petsmart with Harms and I asked a lady about her service dog, and she got really upset. It made me feel awful. I didn't mean to offend, and don't know why she reacted that way. But that's the key here, really. I don't know what her circumstances are so I just smiled, told her to have a nice day, and hastily got out of her way.

I'm glad Rick won't suffer any more. I am thankful to him for reminding me that time is fleeting and that each moment is precious (sorry for the cliches). But most of all, that we can't gauge how people are going to react to us, so we just need to do our best to be as good and as happy as we can be, and hope that translates to those around us.

Rick, I am truly sorry for being such an arrogant jackass. I hope heaven is all it's cracked up to be. I sure hope I get to go and be greeted by you there.

* This was Rick's response anytime you'd ask how he was.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Ear worm

Man, so Carly Rae Jepson really nailed the ear worm thing. This song has captured everyone! So here are a couple of other versions. The Cookie Monster one at least makes sense (To me). Also, I want a cookie. I saw a peanut butter cookie at Panera the other day that looked holy!

The second video is of Carly and Jimmy Fallon. (Why are there two late night Jimmys? It's confusing). Oh, and The Roots. If you didn't like the song before, this version will make you fall in love with it.

Then finally, the one that started it all for me when Marci showed it to me a long time ago. I had never heard the song at this point. Oh, to go back to those innocent days... Also, can someone get the Harvard Baseball team a better choreographer? Also, yes, that boy was asleep for the whole ride.

I am ready for a new catchy song. Bring it!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Call me, maybe?

This song, by Carly Rae Jepson, is taking over everyone's brain. I even find myself grooving out to it once in a while. It's catchy. But what does it mean? I like lyrics and song meanings and well, I have to admit that this song befuddles me. So, taking the lyrics from metrolyrics.com, let's analyze, shall we? I took the liberty of removing the repetitive stanzas/chorus.

I threw a wish in the well,Don't ask me, I'll never tellI looked to you as it fell,And now you're in my way
Okay, so what I got from this stanza was that she doesn't like the person she was with and made a wish for something new, to replace that person.
I'd trade my soul for a wish,Pennies and dimes for a kissI wasn't looking for this,But now you're in my way
Here she demonstrates that she has no belief in the afterlife, and that kisses are not worth much to her. But she made a wish and now this person is standing in the way of her tossing her soul away.
Your stare was holdin',Ripped jeans, skin was showin'Hot night, wind was blowin'Where you think you're going, baby?

Now this is where I get confused. This poor thing, in old clothing, was staring at her. I am assuming that it's the same guy who is in her way? And now he is leaving because she probably got mad and was all "Dude, you're in my way". And now she is wondering where he's going?

Hey, I just met you,And this is crazy,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?
Okay, so now we realize that she's just met this in the way guy, right? And I am assuming that when she says "this is crazy" she means "I am crazy".

It's hard to look right,At you baby,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?
Why is it hard to look right at him?Is he blindingly white? Is he sparkling like a vampire? Is he so hideous one needs to close one eye to appraise him? 
And all the other boys,Try to chase me,But here's my number,So call me, maybe?
If all these other boys are chasing her, why does she need to make wishes at a wishing well? And if they are all chasing her, wouldn't this guy be interested, too? Obviously she is selling herself as a pretty hot commodity. 
You took your time with the call,I took no time with the fallYou gave me nothing at all,But still, you're in my way

Okay, so this is where I get most confused. So he called, but not for a long time. Meaning that he had some other chick on the line, but when that fell through he called our little songstress. Then I wonder if Carly meant foll for follow-up, not fall? But whatever, so she was smitten? But he was all, whatevs!! What does she mean when she says "But still, you're in my way"? Is she trying to move on from this crush she developed on some guy standing near her while she made a wish at a fountain who also is the only guy in the world who isn't chasing her?

I beg, and borrow and stealHave foresight and it's realI didn't know I would feel it,But it's in my way
What is she talking about here? Is she going to make more wishes? Spend her fortune on 10 cent kisses? Foresight? Towards what? Does she know what that word means? Um, it's obviously not real. He took his time. He's in her way. What is she feeling? Oh good Lord. She wants the badboy and thinks she can make him a good guy. But his bad behavior is getting in the way, right?
This song is kind of stupid. After analyzing it, it seems to perpetuate that stupid female behavior of trying to get some guy's attention who wants nothing to do with that girl. If he's in your way, find a new path. Sheesh. 

On a lighter note, please appreciate this Star Wars version of the song:

Friday, July 13, 2012

I miss writing on here. There's something to be said about working in a boring job, shackled to the clock. There always seemed to be something that was bugging me. Now I spend most of my time in front of the computer and the last thing I seem to want to do is write. (And I want to be a writer). What gives?!?
I'm thinking about my next job. I'm hoping that I am so engaged that I don't have time to write here. I am always agog at people who work 12 hours a day. How is it possible they don't get their crap done in the 9-5 hours? Sheesh, I could get all my crap done in a ten minute increment early in the morning. Then my workday became an exercise in patience as I sat at my blocked-from-every-interesting-website work computer and tried not to commit suicide via papercuts. I was actually told I needed to do a better job of looking busy. Er? "Yeah." I was told. "Just keep a pile of folders on your desk and look like they are important". Um. Can't I just go do something else? The killer is the boss that hasn't spoken to you all day, even though you stuck your head into his office 1000 times that day, who comes in and asks you to create, print and bind 20 copies of a 100 page booklet for a meeting he has tomorrow. AT 4:55PM!!! Whaaa?!? At this point I have succumbed to a massive case of ennui and am no longer capable of doing anything, much less staying late for crap I could have been doing all day! Rawr! When I left my last job, I made a promise to myself to never be an assistant again. I suck at it. I don't want to be held responsible for you being somewhere without an umbrella because it rained even though the weather report promised sunny sunshine.

Ack, where is this entry going?

I remember feeling really useless at my last job. Also the office politics brutalized me. My HR person, who for some reason was the person I had to report to (I did not work in HR), would get mad at me and  threaten to write me up because I had the audacity to not seek her out every morning to say good morning and ask how she was doing. Are all companies like this?

I've been out of the corporate world for four years now. I miss the money. I even miss a lot of the people. I do not miss the systems, or the politics. I really enjoy the fact that in film, at least in what I have been involved in, is a measure of the work, not of time. Actually, I am often the person on set yelling at everyone that we are RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Sidebar: Queen Latifah is on Jimmy Kimmel. I wish I were half as cool as she is. And I wish I were a tenth as talented as Jimmy.

I'm meeting my old bosses and coworkers for drinks next Wednesday. I'm kind of excited. The work may have been lame and some of the situations were ree-diculous, but generally speaking, I really loved my fellow employees. I'm really proud that I have maintained a good relationship with so many of them. Even my evil old boss I don't have too much vitriol for. However, the boss that I loved, who totally threw me under the bus, I have a special place in my venom sack for him. I wonder if he will come. I'm not good at being mean, but I really wouldn't mind practicing on him. I know.

So, to get you up to date, which I know you are dying to get up to... I will finish my thesis (fingers crossed) this week. Then rewrite until beginning of August when I turn it in. Then I celebrate birfday madness with Marci. Then I am off to the Germany and the Sweden for a while. Afterwards I am gonna need a job, or a sugar daddy. Whichever pays more and requires less :)