If this is giving up, then I'm giving up.
Tonight I met some friends out at a bar. I looked around and decided that I wanted to meet a boy that I thought was cute and flirt a little. So we go and talk to these three guys who are a bit younger than we are. But they are cute. And I realize that I don't know how to flirt and mean it anymore. I don't think I will ever unlearn how to just flirt with people, but to flirt and want someone out of the flirting is different.
It took me a long time to fall in love. (For the first and only time.) I think I am very careful about my feelings and am not that willing to let just anyone trample over them. I thought I really had something. I thought that I was in love with someone who was in love with me and it turns out that it just was not good enough.
I want to be in love. But I am not sure I believe it exists.
And now I am not sure that I am up for being a victim of love.
I want a family and a partner to support and to support me, but I am not sure that balance is available anymore. Especially as every day I get older and further off of the motherhood playing field.
I thought I had everything and it turns out I have nothing. The worst part is to find that the person that you trusted with all your feelings and all your intimate thoughts turns out to be the biggest liar and betrayer. Even worse, such a coward that he can't face up to what he has done. Even Utah is too good for you.
It took me a long time to fall in love. (For the first and only time.) I think I am very careful about my feelings and am not that willing to let just anyone trample over them. I thought I really had something. I thought that I was in love with someone who was in love with me and it turns out that it just was not good enough.
I want to be in love. But I am not sure I believe it exists.
And now I am not sure that I am up for being a victim of love.
I want a family and a partner to support and to support me, but I am not sure that balance is available anymore. Especially as every day I get older and further off of the motherhood playing field.
I thought I had everything and it turns out I have nothing. The worst part is to find that the person that you trusted with all your feelings and all your intimate thoughts turns out to be the biggest liar and betrayer. Even worse, such a coward that he can't face up to what he has done. Even Utah is too good for you.
Buggie spilled her guts for you at 6/18/2005 01:42:00 AM
4 Comments:
Buggie -- new song by the Blace Eyed Peas called "Don't Lie". JEN
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
Hey, baby my nose is getting big
I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs
Now you say your trust's getting weaker
Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper
And the reason for my confession is that I learn my lesson
And I really think you have to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don't know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature
Fucking with your heart like I was the predator
In my book of lies I was the editor and the author
I forged my signature
And now I apologise for what I did to you
Cos what you did to me I did to you
[Chorus]
Nononono baby, nononono don't lie
Nononono, yeah you know know know know you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I see you & what you're all about
Nonono baby, nononono don't lie
Because you know you know you know you know you know you gotta try
She said I'm leaving
Cos she can't take the pain
It's hard to continue this love it ain't the same
Can't forget the things that I’ve done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won't change
I'm sorry for the things that I've done and what I became
Caught up in living my life in the fast lane
Blinded by lights, cameras, you know the fame
I don't know the reason why I did these things
And I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie
And now our emotions are drained
When you lie and you lie and a little lie lie
And now your emotions are drained
[Chorus]
Yo, I'm lying to my girl even though I love her
And she all in my world
I give her all my attention and diamonds & pearls
She's the one who makes me feel on top of the world
Still I’m lying to my girl, I do it
And I lie and I lie and I lie till there's no turning back
I don't know why, [and I lie and I lie till I don't know who I am]
And then I tell myself
Nononono baby, nononono don't lie
Nononono, yeah you know know know know you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I see you & what you're all about
Nononono baby, nononono don't lie
Nononono baby, nononono
Stop, st-stop st-stop stop stop lying.
You used to think that it wouldn't happen at all for you, and it did. (Ok so it turned out it was with an immature jerk, but it was real at the time--so please don't discount all the hard work you put in and the things you have learned about yourself because of asshole behavior).
Things just aren't so black and white. When it's so raw it may feel like it, but it's the retarded 2 year-old syndrome (R2YOS). When it hurts you can't stop poking it or staring at it. It consumes you. But as it gets better (and it will) and if you just keep yourself open, wonderful things will come to you -- because you deserve them. (Don't shake your head).
I really believe everything happens for a reason. And not even a member of Mensa can necessarily figure out what those reasons are until you are supposed to.
-M
Well, I've been staying away from this particular topic mostly because...well...I'm a guy an I figure whatever I have to say might just be ignored. And, I didn't want to sound all preachy.
A wise stranger once told me, when I was dealing with what I believe to be the same sort of issue, that "God has a way of removing the second best, to clear room for the best."
Dunno. Men and women think quite differently on some topics. Me? I'm not "broken" in spirit, but the heart still hurts.........and it's been a while. But, it's silly to decree that your heart shouldn't be a little bruised. It's because we have broken and contrite hearts that we can understand other's pains and empathize with them and comfort them when they allow us to comfort them.
Okay...enough "teddy bear mode" for today....I'm going to have to go fire a gun or drive a muscle car, something really manly to make up for the all saccarine in this "comment."
p.s. I know I don't use elipses properly....and you can all just bite me if you have a problem with it.......nyah.
I <3 ellipses...I use them all the time. And I totally <3 others that use/missuse ellipeses too...
...I do.
Post a Comment
<< Home