Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Monday, May 23, 2005

So empty.

I must have been wishing so hard that I almost believed it because when I came home and I was all alone, I wanted to cry. I don't know what dream world I let myself escape to for a brief moment. I spent the evening with a group of people who have been away from their families for over a week, and they miss them. And I got all caught up in being loved and going home to someone waiting and I must have wished so hard I thought it could come true.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Smile, though your heart is breaking.

What does it take to be happy?
I don't mean happy in the moment, I mean happy. I mean spending more time being happy than sad or mad. What does it take? What moment changes a person's outlook so that they view their experiences with gladness rather than contemplating what went wrong or how it could have been better?
Why are we so fearful? Why did the woman whose family happiness I admired suddenly snatch her child to her when she noticed my glance? Why do women react so arrogantly when they are complimented by another woman? Why does everything always seem to be a competition. (Not just amongst women, amongst everyone.)
Why aren't we happier? And what can we do to fix this?
No one I know is happy. Everyone is always looking behind them at failures they can no longer fix. Everyone is wondering why they can't make their lives better; earn more money; have more prestige; find love.
Can anyone tell me why we negate ourselves so much? "I'm so fat." "I'm not as pretty as she is." "I am not smart enough." We do it so much that we can't believe it when someone is attracted or believes in us.
My girlfriend and I went to Las Vegas one year and our rule for the trip was that we could not say anything negative about ourselves. If I looked in the mirror, I had to find all the good things I saw. Never once did either of us utter, "Damn, I look fat in these jeans." Every night we went out feeling like the prettiest girls in the world. And we had a wonderful time. So why did we leave that behavior in Las Vegas? (Oh yeah, what happens in Vegas...) This simple game worked wonders.
Why aren't we happy?
Why aren't I happy? I am healthy. I have a decent job with a decent salary. I have a couple of good friends. I have a fantastic family. I have a great home and a great car. I have cable television and internet access. I have been in love. I am fairly attractive. I am not over nor under weight. I have no major issues to concern myself with. (Though sometimes I wonder if I did have some major obstacle, would that make me work harder and therefore appreciate the things I have, more?) I'm not happy. I am not depressed, either. I spend a lot of my time in a happy state of mind. And it is not hard for me to enjoy myself. But put me into a room with myself and I am not happy. I see this in so manyof my friends, and people I meet.
What does it take to be happy?
Can you just decide to be happy? Kind of like us deciding to be hot chicks in LV? Does there have to be a moment in time that just changes your outlook? For example, do you have to survive an accident to suddenly realize how good you have it? That just does not sit well with me, because I realize how good I have it, and yet I still can't seem to grasp happiness. Do you have to know what you want so you can aspire to achieve it to be happy? That might pose a problem for me. I have no idea what I want. How do I go about finding it?
Are people so mean to one another because they are unhappy?
I hate myself when I am mean, and yet sometimes people are so mean to me that I take it out on the next person whom I come across. Then I hate myself even more. So I try to be nice, even when they are mean, and it makes me feel weak and that makes me feel small. But I still know it is better than always being mean. I never feel good about being mean.
I want my happiness. I want to wake up in the morning excited about the day. I don't know how to get there.
What does it take to be happy? And why are we so bad at finding it?