Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


I went and hit golf balls after work today. I lined my little club face up with the ball, I straightened my arms, bent my knees, took a deep breath, put my head down and swung. I hit most balls pretty well. They started off straight at my target and suddenly arced to the right. Every single time. I tried everything to correct this. I changed my stance. I kept my head down longer. I tried bringing the club around slower. It never failed to arc right.
Maybe life is like this sometimes, too. Maybe things don't go the way we want and we change all the ways we handle the situation, yet the ball still arcs to the right. Maybe that is just the way it is supposed to go.
But do you keep trying to perfect that swing, or do you just let it go?

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

If you have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Please stop saying nice things to me. I know that seems like a strange request, but every time someone tells me how nice I am, I feel like a fraud. I don't want to hear it anymore. At least not until it actually means something. Thank you.

Try it! I'll like it.

One thing I have learned recently is that if you don't release all inhibitions and truly experience something, you'll never know how great it is.
Take owning a dog, for example. If you don't let your whole heart love that dog, having him will always seem like a burden more than a joy. But if you revel in him, your love will be even deeper than you could ever have thought possible.
But if you are not willing to let go of your inhibitions, you will always lose those things that could have been the best experiences for you. And you will never know what you could have had. Doesn't that seem so sad?

Monday, May 09, 2005

My idol

There is a woman in California who has adopted over 30 special needs boys from all over the world. She takes care of them all with the help of her quadriplegic husband.
She spends all day, every day caring for these boys. She has given her entire life to care for boys that other people basically threw away. Not only that but one child has severe brain damage due to being abused. Abused! I don't think this woman gave birth to any of her children, yet she loves them all more so much that her entire existence is based on taking care of them. She has no intention of stopping, either. It makes it impossible to think that someone destroyed their own perfect child. Thank God she is there to take care of him for them.
Looking at this woman's life makes me realize that life may make me cry, but I am so lucky and I hope that someday I will have a tenth as much love to give to someone as this woman does. I wish I could be half the person she is.
Lord knows I have the most amazing role model. My mother took every stone life has lobbed at her and hit it wayyyyyyyy out. She sacrificed everything for her family and never once complained about anything. (Except the lack of salmon on her salmon and bagel for brunch on sundays.) She is the most intelligent person I have ever come into contact with. I know for certain that I have experienced far more than my share because of her desire to show me the world. I have always taken it for granted. I have never loved nor been loved like by my mother.
I love you more than the most and I hope I can ever live up to the standard you have set.
XOXO Mami.
Du bist mein Schatz!


I am a damn good cook. I made myself chicken witha yummy coating. So tender. (I know, I hate that! But not this time. This time it was fantastic!) I made peas, and had a nice glass of a Malbec blend wine.
I got mix for turtle brownies. (Mmm. Caramel, Marci) and stuff for rice Kripsy treats. (HA! Typos are funny. I totally had typed Rice Krispy teats. Ew.)
Anyhoo, I might need to be taken to the hospital because I may have broken my arm in all my patting myself on the back!

So maybe not EVERYONE looks like me, but they all seem to ache like me.

I used to think Fiona Apple and I were similar in looks. I realize now that I was probably smoking crack. She does, however, have the soundtrack to my life in her collection. I was not going to share it with anyone outside of my closest friends, but on my way home from work today I realized that I don't need to censor my feelings. Therefore, I am giving you my soundtrack. Both songs are Fiona Apple's "When the Pawn" CD. The first one, I Know, had been my song for a few years. The second, I decided is too personal to share yet. I will say that it is on that CD and that the whole CD is fitting my state of mind to one degree or another right now.
Thank God for music. Thank God there is a 4 minute musical pill to let you feel your hurt and sorrow and anger so completely and then maybe take a little part of it away. Who knows what my songs will be next week. I hope they are not the same.
If it does not make sense to you, don't worry. I think this blog was more for me than for anyone else.
But for now, I am sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, this little peek into my heart. If it does, then quit reading for goodness sakes.

I Know: Fiona Apple
So be it, I'm your crowbar If that's what I am so far Until you get out of this mess And I will pretend That I don't know of your sins Until you are ready to confess But all the time, all the time I'll know, I'll know And you can use my skin To bury secrets in And I will settle you down And at my own suggestion, I will ask no questions While I do my thing in the background But all the time, all the time I'll know, I'll know. Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around So for the time being, I'm being patient And amidst this bitterness If you'll just consider this-even if it don't make sense All the time-give it time And when the crowd becomes your burden And you've early closed your curtains, I'll wait by the backstage door While you try to find the lines to speak your mind And pry it open, hoping for an encore And if it gets too late, for me to wait For you to find you love me, and tell me so. It's ok, don't need to say it.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

People suck.

You suck and you suck. Just thought you should know.