Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Victim of unbelievable crime!

I just got home from a delightful Thanksgiving get-together at my church and ran inside to grab a recipe for bourbon sweet mashed potatoes. I was going to leave right away to run to the store to buy the ingredients, so I was only in my house for a couple of minutes. I opened the door, wallet and recipe in hand, and looked at the lock. The keys I had purposely left in the lock because I was only going to be inside for 3.2 seconds were GONE! I had heard some jingling outside while I was getting the recipe, but I did not think anything of it. That's a lie. I thought, my goodness. What if someone is absconding with my keys? And they did! My keys were stolen right out of my lock and now what am I going to do!?! I looked to see if my car had been taken, because the key to that was on that ring. But the car was still there. I came back inside, reeling from my latest bought of cruelly unfair life dealings. Then I put my hand in my pocket and found my stolen keys. Oops.

Side note: I accidentally left my keys in the lock all night the other night and no one took them, or me.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

This is how I WOULD have stolen

the five dollars that were stolen from my sister's coat jacket back in 1983, had I stolen those five dollars. I would have waited until no one was around and then quietly gone to the coat closet. Slyly, I would have slid the door open, casting cautious looks about me and listening for tell-tale feet. Rehearsing in my mind the story that I was just looking for my lucky rabbit's foot, in case I were to get caught, I would slide my hand into the pocket of my sister's blue and white jacket and have it triumphantly emerge with a five dollar bill. Had I have stolen this money, which I did not, I would have gone to Springfield Mall and watched Jaws 3D twice and even treated myself to candy and soda. I would have jumped both times the frog jumped off of the screen onto my face. But I did not steal those five dollars. That is merely how I WOULD have done it, had I done. Which I did not.

It's been a banner week already.

Yesterday I walked into a wall, right in front of the person I am certain will be running our company before too long. I walked solidly into the wall, not so that I could play it off in any way and she asked me if I was okay.

Today, walking down the stairs behind my co-worker, I stumbled and had to grab the railing to keep from falling into him, knocking him down, and forcing him to spill Coke Zero all over his very expensive suit. All this witnessed gleefully by what seemed like half the company who could not refrain from helpfully guiding me to maybe take the elevator next time.

I was just talking to my boss; my new boss, but not my not-my-boss (who is not the most pleasant thing in my life but also not as horrendous as previously-but all this most of you don't know about and don't really probably want to know and so therefore should just disregard. Can anyone tell that I have been forced to read Gertrude Stein lately? I think I write like her. See for yourself.). We were talking about Christmas gifts. I have been trying to get some Playmobil for my nephew, but have been having a hard time picking something out. So I asked my boss if he knew anything about Playboy.