Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

My Photo
Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Good Lord!

I was at an event at the Ritz Carlton last night with Marci. We were dressed to the nines as it was a black tie affair, and we looked goooood. Good enough for people to talk to us and all that crap. We met a couple of guys that were fun and hung out with them for a while. The guy I was talking to lives nearby and was cute. Cute enough for me to be definitely interested, but for the fact that could not keep his hands off of my ass. Seriously. I kept smacking them off, and he tried acting playful, but it was so irritating. So I pushed him away and said knock it off! If you looking for some tail, you are looking in the wrong direction. Then I said, listen, I could like you. Quit being an ass, or we have to go. He was apologetic and behaved for a few seconds. But at that point, I was ready to go, so I asked him for his number so that maybe I could see him in the not drunk way sometime. But he wanted mine and I told him he did not stand a chance of getting it. THEN, he tried playing coy with his number. (Um, I'm not going to beg for your number.) So I walked out and he came after me with it. At that point I was fed up with him and asked him to give me a good reason why I should take his number. What did he come up with? "I'm good." Ew. No, thank you. And we left.
Really? I mean, is it ingrained in a guy that they meet a girl, tell her she's pretty and BAM! the deal is made? Suck it, assholes. And get your fucking hands off of me.
Show some respect.

* I had better not get any messages saying that I put myself into the position of being treated that way because it is absolute bullshit. No person should place their hands on another person's body unless given consent and if the one being touched tells you to knock it the hell off , you had better knock it the hell off.

Monday, November 07, 2005

I am free

I called my ex tonight. Before you go on and start lecturing me, I know. I just wanted to talk to him. I think it clicked somewhere in my head that it is over and that I am okay with it. Part of me wanted to see if I could talk to him without that attachment. Okay, I will be honest. I tried calling him last night. I had a bit of the fermented grape courage flowing through me and I was feeling damn good about myself after all the things I accomplished over the weekend. But he was not home and I did not leave a message.
So today... I went out with a friend and had a nice time. I found out a guy that I have a great connection with might be moving, at least for a bit, to DC.
So I picked up the phone to call the ex because I wanted to see if we could maybe take that first step towards becoming friends. First the phone rang once and went into voicemail. I left a message. Nothin, really. Just hey, wanted someone to talk to, or something like that. Call me stubborn, and I am, I called again. He picked right up. Curious. So I asked him if he forced the last call into voicemail. He said no, but he was in a rush to go. That would be fine, but he brushed me off like I was a pesky telemarketer calling during sex, and meanwhile he has always pontificated on how I am the best friend he ever had.... So I simply said "Cool", and hung up.
Suddenly I feel lighter than I have in a while.

He has treated my feelings irreverently for so long. He has hurt me over and over again and I have always justified him because somewhere under all that is a guy who truly does want to be loved and to love wholeheartedly. This guy had a girl who would have burst through glass to get to him. I would have walked on coals and wandered the world with him. I loved him more than anything I have ever loved and he has treated me with disregard for quite a while.
Funny, how it takes a moment like this to understand he does not have the capacity to appreciate a person like me, a person who would actually be all the things he proclaims to want. He is so buried under his own selfishness and misguidedness, and I am better off without him. I am afraid he will never come out of that shell, and I am truly sad for him, but it's no longer an issue of mine.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

It's all done.

I spent the weekend scrubbing my home. I cleaned every room, vacuumed, dusted... I use this lavender spray I got at Restoration Hardware, it makes everything smell so yummy. Lavender always reminds me of my grandmother. I replaced lightbulbs, and now I can see exactly how clean it is. I cooked chicken kabobs for dinner. Yummy. I did my laundry, washed my dishes and made my bed. I finished up my paper on Thomas Paine and turned it in. I even fixed the loose screw on my table and fixed the leak on my bathtub. Everything is done.
Now my house is clean and bright and smells so good, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I have absolutely nothing to do. Funny how having a messy house makes me feel like there is always something to procrastinate doing. Now, the only thing I am procrastinating on is getting out socially. But, right now I have no excuses. So, here goes...