I am free
I called my ex tonight. Before you go on and start lecturing me, I know. I just wanted to talk to him. I think it clicked somewhere in my head that it is over and that I am okay with it. Part of me wanted to see if I could talk to him without that attachment. Okay, I will be honest. I tried calling him last night. I had a bit of the fermented grape courage flowing through me and I was feeling damn good about myself after all the things I accomplished over the weekend. But he was not home and I did not leave a message.
So today... I went out with a friend and had a nice time. I found out a guy that I have a great connection with might be moving, at least for a bit, to DC.
So I picked up the phone to call the ex because I wanted to see if we could maybe take that first step towards becoming friends. First the phone rang once and went into voicemail. I left a message. Nothin, really. Just hey, wanted someone to talk to, or something like that. Call me stubborn, and I am, I called again. He picked right up. Curious. So I asked him if he forced the last call into voicemail. He said no, but he was in a rush to go. That would be fine, but he brushed me off like I was a pesky telemarketer calling during sex, and meanwhile he has always pontificated on how I am the best friend he ever had.... So I simply said "Cool", and hung up.
Suddenly I feel lighter than I have in a while.
He has treated my feelings irreverently for so long. He has hurt me over and over again and I have always justified him because somewhere under all that is a guy who truly does want to be loved and to love wholeheartedly. This guy had a girl who would have burst through glass to get to him. I would have walked on coals and wandered the world with him. I loved him more than anything I have ever loved and he has treated me with disregard for quite a while.
Funny, how it takes a moment like this to understand he does not have the capacity to appreciate a person like me, a person who would actually be all the things he proclaims to want. He is so buried under his own selfishness and misguidedness, and I am better off without him. I am afraid he will never come out of that shell, and I am truly sad for him, but it's no longer an issue of mine.
So today... I went out with a friend and had a nice time. I found out a guy that I have a great connection with might be moving, at least for a bit, to DC.
So I picked up the phone to call the ex because I wanted to see if we could maybe take that first step towards becoming friends. First the phone rang once and went into voicemail. I left a message. Nothin, really. Just hey, wanted someone to talk to, or something like that. Call me stubborn, and I am, I called again. He picked right up. Curious. So I asked him if he forced the last call into voicemail. He said no, but he was in a rush to go. That would be fine, but he brushed me off like I was a pesky telemarketer calling during sex, and meanwhile he has always pontificated on how I am the best friend he ever had.... So I simply said "Cool", and hung up.
Suddenly I feel lighter than I have in a while.
He has treated my feelings irreverently for so long. He has hurt me over and over again and I have always justified him because somewhere under all that is a guy who truly does want to be loved and to love wholeheartedly. This guy had a girl who would have burst through glass to get to him. I would have walked on coals and wandered the world with him. I loved him more than anything I have ever loved and he has treated me with disregard for quite a while.
Funny, how it takes a moment like this to understand he does not have the capacity to appreciate a person like me, a person who would actually be all the things he proclaims to want. He is so buried under his own selfishness and misguidedness, and I am better off without him. I am afraid he will never come out of that shell, and I am truly sad for him, but it's no longer an issue of mine.
Buggie spilled her guts for you at 11/07/2005 09:26:00 PM
4 Comments:
I can't wait to be free, I mean I guess I am, but free from the thoughts that haunt me and the dreams of R every night. I am so done, why won't my mind let go. I love you and I am really happy for you. Make sure you read this next time you have the urge, you know!! love you, can't wait to see you this weekend.
Girl, GOOD. As painful as it is, it's sometimes a blessing to get smacked in the face by reality because it helps you move on. Suddenly you think -- "really? did he just treat me like that? I don't need that. And I don't need you." I'm sorry he did that. But I'm not sorry someone who's not wothy is out of of your life.
Love you -- Jen
It's odd how anyone who writes as well as you could be treated with disregard, but in a relationship I suppose people become complacent and take others for granted. You certainly don't need that, and one shoud always resist the way a relationship tries naturally to move to staleness. We must break free of that which binds us even if what binds us seems comfortable. Good for you.
So "cool", huh? I like it. Big step for you sister.
You embrace your emotions so fiercely [insert Tyra Banks neck roll and finger snap here], and I just love that about you. Screw the hurtful effers!
I'm so glad you're my bestest friend! Loving you...
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