Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Monday, November 07, 2005

I am free

I called my ex tonight. Before you go on and start lecturing me, I know. I just wanted to talk to him. I think it clicked somewhere in my head that it is over and that I am okay with it. Part of me wanted to see if I could talk to him without that attachment. Okay, I will be honest. I tried calling him last night. I had a bit of the fermented grape courage flowing through me and I was feeling damn good about myself after all the things I accomplished over the weekend. But he was not home and I did not leave a message.
So today... I went out with a friend and had a nice time. I found out a guy that I have a great connection with might be moving, at least for a bit, to DC.
So I picked up the phone to call the ex because I wanted to see if we could maybe take that first step towards becoming friends. First the phone rang once and went into voicemail. I left a message. Nothin, really. Just hey, wanted someone to talk to, or something like that. Call me stubborn, and I am, I called again. He picked right up. Curious. So I asked him if he forced the last call into voicemail. He said no, but he was in a rush to go. That would be fine, but he brushed me off like I was a pesky telemarketer calling during sex, and meanwhile he has always pontificated on how I am the best friend he ever had.... So I simply said "Cool", and hung up.
Suddenly I feel lighter than I have in a while.

He has treated my feelings irreverently for so long. He has hurt me over and over again and I have always justified him because somewhere under all that is a guy who truly does want to be loved and to love wholeheartedly. This guy had a girl who would have burst through glass to get to him. I would have walked on coals and wandered the world with him. I loved him more than anything I have ever loved and he has treated me with disregard for quite a while.
Funny, how it takes a moment like this to understand he does not have the capacity to appreciate a person like me, a person who would actually be all the things he proclaims to want. He is so buried under his own selfishness and misguidedness, and I am better off without him. I am afraid he will never come out of that shell, and I am truly sad for him, but it's no longer an issue of mine.


Blogger Harmony said...

I can't wait to be free, I mean I guess I am, but free from the thoughts that haunt me and the dreams of R every night. I am so done, why won't my mind let go. I love you and I am really happy for you. Make sure you read this next time you have the urge, you know!! love you, can't wait to see you this weekend.

11/08/2005 09:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girl, GOOD. As painful as it is, it's sometimes a blessing to get smacked in the face by reality because it helps you move on. Suddenly you think -- "really? did he just treat me like that? I don't need that. And I don't need you." I'm sorry he did that. But I'm not sorry someone who's not wothy is out of of your life.

Love you -- Jen

11/08/2005 04:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Johnny said...

It's odd how anyone who writes as well as you could be treated with disregard, but in a relationship I suppose people become complacent and take others for granted. You certainly don't need that, and one shoud always resist the way a relationship tries naturally to move to staleness. We must break free of that which binds us even if what binds us seems comfortable. Good for you.

11/08/2005 06:40:00 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

So "cool", huh? I like it. Big step for you sister.

You embrace your emotions so fiercely [insert Tyra Banks neck roll and finger snap here], and I just love that about you. Screw the hurtful effers!

I'm so glad you're my bestest friend! Loving you...

11/09/2005 09:37:00 AM  

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