I am Dorian Gray

Seriously. Evey time I see a relative whom I have not seen in several years, they ask me why I am not getting any older. My cousin, whom I grew up with; who is 2.5 years older than me, thought she was 8 years older than me... Okay, so she is now the mother of 4 and started popping the little ones at 19, but geez, we were zipping around town together at 14 and 16. Did she think I was 8 then?
Yes, I know I complain about this too much, the whole looking young ting, but it is out of control. I am going to have to start dressing like a 40 year old in order to look 32.
By the way, Germany is nice. More on that when the keyboard is not so screwy.

Off I go.

Today I will be embarking on a journey. Actually, I am flying to Germany for two weeks. Hopefully it will be an adventure. Already my suitcase is wayyyyy too full, but sweaters take up a lot of space. Plus my friends over there requested some random stuff and a Washington Post takes up a surprising amount of room. I hope I did not forget anything.
Last time I went to Germany, I had a fantastic time. I hope this trip is as good. I am bringing my camera and a ton of film, so hopefully, I will have some interesting things to share. If now, maybe I will make it up.
Marci is taking me to the airport, nice girl, and I get to fly Business Class. Woooooo! I tried to sleep in this morning so I could stay awake on the plane and enjoy the service, but I still woke up early. Dammit.

Bis bald!

Good Lord!

I was at an event at the Ritz Carlton last night with Marci. We were dressed to the nines as it was a black tie affair, and we looked goooood. Good enough for people to talk to us and all that crap. We met a couple of guys that were fun and hung out with them for a while. The guy I was talking to lives nearby and was cute. Cute enough for me to be definitely interested, but for the fact that could not keep his hands off of my ass. Seriously. I kept smacking them off, and he tried acting playful, but it was so irritating. So I pushed him away and said knock it off! If you looking for some tail, you are looking in the wrong direction. Then I said, listen, I could like you. Quit being an ass, or we have to go. He was apologetic and behaved for a few seconds. But at that point, I was ready to go, so I asked him for his number so that maybe I could see him in the not drunk way sometime. But he wanted mine and I told him he did not stand a chance of getting it. THEN, he tried playing coy with his number. (Um, I'm not going to beg for your number.) So I walked out and he came after me with it. At that point I was fed up with him and asked him to give me a good reason why I should take his number. What did he come up with? "I'm good." Ew. No, thank you. And we left.
Really? I mean, is it ingrained in a guy that they meet a girl, tell her she's pretty and BAM! the deal is made? Suck it, assholes. And get your fucking hands off of me.
Show some respect.


* I had better not get any messages saying that I put myself into the position of being treated that way because it is absolute bullshit. No person should place their hands on another person's body unless given consent and if the one being touched tells you to knock it the hell off , you had better knock it the hell off.

I am free

I called my ex tonight. Before you go on and start lecturing me, I know. I just wanted to talk to him. I think it clicked somewhere in my head that it is over and that I am okay with it. Part of me wanted to see if I could talk to him without that attachment. Okay, I will be honest. I tried calling him last night. I had a bit of the fermented grape courage flowing through me and I was feeling damn good about myself after all the things I accomplished over the weekend. But he was not home and I did not leave a message.
So today... I went out with a friend and had a nice time. I found out a guy that I have a great connection with might be moving, at least for a bit, to DC.
So I picked up the phone to call the ex because I wanted to see if we could maybe take that first step towards becoming friends. First the phone rang once and went into voicemail. I left a message. Nothin, really. Just hey, wanted someone to talk to, or something like that. Call me stubborn, and I am, I called again. He picked right up. Curious. So I asked him if he forced the last call into voicemail. He said no, but he was in a rush to go. That would be fine, but he brushed me off like I was a pesky telemarketer calling during sex, and meanwhile he has always pontificated on how I am the best friend he ever had.... So I simply said "Cool", and hung up.
Suddenly I feel lighter than I have in a while.
He has treated my feelings irreverently for so long. He has hurt me over and over again and I have always justified him because somewhere under all that is a guy who truly does want to be loved and to love wholeheartedly. This guy had a girl who would have burst through glass to get to him. I would have walked on coals and wandered the world with him. I loved him more than anything I have ever loved and he has treated me with disregard for quite a while.
Funny, how it takes a moment like this to understand he does not have the capacity to appreciate a person like me, a person who would actually be all the things he proclaims to want. He is so buried under his own selfishness and misguidedness, and I am better off without him. I am afraid he will never come out of that shell, and I am truly sad for him, but it's no longer an issue of mine.

It's all done.

I spent the weekend scrubbing my home. I cleaned every room, vacuumed, dusted... I use this lavender spray I got at Restoration Hardware, it makes everything smell so yummy. Lavender always reminds me of my grandmother. I replaced lightbulbs, and now I can see exactly how clean it is. I cooked chicken kabobs for dinner. Yummy. I did my laundry, washed my dishes and made my bed. I finished up my paper on Thomas Paine and turned it in. I even fixed the loose screw on my table and fixed the leak on my bathtub. Everything is done.
Now my house is clean and bright and smells so good, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I have absolutely nothing to do. Funny how having a messy house makes me feel like there is always something to procrastinate doing. Now, the only thing I am procrastinating on is getting out socially. But, right now I have no excuses. So, here goes...

Maybe my hands are bi?

I am glad that I do not have man hands.
Now I have always lamented the fact that I do not have delicate, bourgeois hands with piano playing fingers. My hands have a broad square palm and are very strong. My fingers, while not shrimpy, are also not long. My finger nail beds are short and square, like my palms. In short, I have peasant, working hands. But, they are still girly.
I have been noticing some really manly hands on women. They always seem to overcompensate with heavy red nail polish which makes them look drag-queenish. None of my friends have hands like that, so I always thought my hands were sort of masculine, but they are so not. (I mean, in comparison to my pals hands, maybe rougher looking, but still, not dude-like.)
And as you all know, I adore my mother, yet look nothing like her. We share the same hands and regardless of where my life might take me, I will always have a bit of her with me, because I can hold my own hand and pretend she is there with me.

My wish list

1. I want to be able to give love with no strings attached.
2. I want to receive love with no strings attached.
3. I want a kiss that sends chills and thrills up and down my spine.
4. I want to want that kiss again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
5. I want to feel safe in someone's arms.
6. I want to be smart and be dumb and be pretty and ugly and funny and dimwitted all without feeling self conscious.
7. I want to complain about things that are complicated in my life without someone trying to fix them for me or tell me what I am doing wrong.
8. I want a chance to be better than I am right now.
9. I want my mother to be proud of me.
10. I want to be challenged mentally, physically, spiritually.
11. I want people to stop holding me to a higher standard, yet never allowing me to prove myself.
12. I want to stop freaking out that I am not smart enough or pretty enough. Because dammit, I am more than pretty and I am more than smart.
13. I want a dog. (And enough money and time to be a good dog mom)
14. I want that damn Prada bag I saw at Neiman's the other day. (Oh, come on! You knew there had to be some sort of materialistic thingie... No?)
15. I want to know that this is not all there is to me.

Herstory

Why is it that women are still not automatically considered equal to men?
I was watching Commander in Chief. This show has everyone attempting to undermine the President. I get that people may attempt to undermine any President, but it is extreme the way this one, who is female, is being attacked. The worst part was the woman who was bound and determined to bring her down single handedly. (Geena Davis' President fired her.) What is the cattiness amongst women? Why do we sabotage each other? Men have this brotherhood amongst them, helping each other along. Women tend to work individually, not sparing a chance to stab another lady in the back. (This is obviously a blanket statement, so don't lecture me.) It's clear that this occurs because there are not that many opportunities for women, that they feel they need to do whatever it takes to succeed. What if the tide changed and women started to support each other. How the world would change.

Then during the commercial break came an ad for Bank of America. They are apparently the bank for women. Why do we need a bank for us? I do not understand how there is still such an intense discrepancy between the treatment of men and women.
Do you remember in school, how the girls usually did better in class? And women can do more than one thing at a time. Women can nurture and get people back in line at the same time.

Turn it around. This is absolutely ridiculous. We have one woman who is high up in the HQ of my company. One woman. She is smart. She deserves the position and does an excellent job. So why are there still rumblings behind her back?