Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Tased and Confused

I got a taser for my birthday. Yup. I asked for it. I have wanted a taser forever. Now that I have it, it lives in a box with all its instructional information and the battery removed.

I’m scared of the taser. (I should be. It's scary. Watch these idiots test their taser.)


When Brian gave it to me, he showed me how to use it. He showed me the terrifying laser that points at the target. That would be enough to disarm me, but I’m not really someone who is going to be engaging in something that would require me to get tased. (Don’t tase me, bro!) He took out the ammo. You know, the part that fires two prongs 25 feet to connect with and take down the evil doing perpetrator.


 He pushed the safety off and hit the button that got the taser to send rays of electricity flailing. 


It made so much noise!! Clack clack clack, etc. Who knew that electricity sounds like clapping? Is that really the message I want to send? Applause? Additionally, once you hit the button, it fires for 30 seconds. That’s a commitment. 

It's actually kind of cool. I mean, I am little. Not too tough. I'm not like Clussy, who when Harms jumped out and scared her, reacted by punching Harms in the nose. I was scared by my boss the other day, when he snuck up behind me in the parking lot. I reacted by waving my arms like a hatchling bird and singing a little aria. See? Not tough. 

Having a taser scares me because it makes me afraid that I am going to suddenly think I'm tough. I will have the solo gang mentality because I have taser back-up. 

It got me thinking about George Zimmerman. I think he had gang mentality because he was carrying a gun. He got cocky and felt protected. That's why he got out of his car and went after Trayvon Martin. I bet if he did not have a gun, he would not have gotten out of his car.  

I don't want to carry my taser until I have learned all about it. When I am confident that I understand the risks of what it can do, I will take it with me. Not always, just in those times when I think I may need extra protection. Actually, it will probably stay in my house forever, quietly hoping it will never be used. But you'd better not break in to my house! I will tase you, bro! And yes, I do worry about it getting into the wrong hands, i. E. my cat. He has that shifty look.

Upcoming post: How I accidentally tased myself. (Kidding).


Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Ghost Story

My cousin died last week. He was born a year before my oldest brother was born. I'm aching for his parents, siblings, children, and wife. It's just not right for parents to have to mourn their child. I'm sad for his siblings who will never be a complete set again.

My oldest brother died almost 15 years ago. Holy smokes! It's crazy to think he's been gone so long. I think about him, but it seems like more and more time goes by between my being reminded of something he would say, or how he would laugh. I miss him terribly, yet at the same time he is fading from me. He is slowly becoming a really intangible memory, not unlike a movie character from a film I loved long, long ago.

I don't actively seek him out. It's kind of jarring to see someone make an "a" in the crazy way he did, or tie their shoelaces on the side of their shoe, or actually see his face in a photo. Sometimes I get a whiff of him in the air and it sends me sprawling back on my spiritual ass. So, no. I don't seek him out. Because for as wonderful as those moments are, it hurts. It kind of really hurts. I can't have him back.

Geez, I loved him. He always took me places with him. He paid attention to me, when no one else did. He actively cherished our friendship. He got me really cool presents and wanted to hang out with my friends. He listened to me and told me when I was in the wrong. But he never held it against me. He liked me.

I do admit I am always wondering if he would have liked the guys I have dated, or hung out at my apartment. Would I have made the choices I have made had he been around? What kind of person would I be if I still had him to confide in and to keep me in line? Would I be as stoic? Would I allow myself to show it when people hurt my feelings? Would I be better at standing up for myself?

Maybe I am romanticizing him. What if I'm not remembering him right? I just think everyone loved him. He was sweet, to a fault. He worked so hard. He had good intentions which, sometimes backfired on him, but in a "I have a great story to tell you" way for me.

Today I was working at my bar. (I don't know if he would have drank much there as he was kind of a wuss drinker - see frozen daiquiris - and we don't have a blender). I was doing my eavesdropping bartender thing and overheard some guy saying he graduated around the time I did. I inquired and learned he went to my rival high school. So we got to chatting. He asked me my name. He said he met one other girl with my name. He worked with her brother who had cancer. I'm all, hold up! That's my brother. That's me!! It was! He had worked with Christoph at Hechinger, a hardware store. He really remembered him. He was telling me stories. He liked him.

I felt like I got to have him in this moment again, even if just a little bit. My memories were validated. He was a nice guy. He was liked. And he liked me. He nurtured our relationship today, from beyond the grave. I am so grateful.