Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Never mind.

I'm isolated. When did I get this way? I used to be the kid that knew everyone in the neighborhood's life history. Now I don't even know my neighbors. I don't like to ask my friends to do things because I can't take the no. So I spend time alone. Luckily, my mother is always up for some fun and I have to say that I try to take advantage of that.

I'm isolated. I remember standing in a walkway at RFK watching strangers go by. They were so distant from me. I felt as if I were in a bubble.

I'm isolated. I socialize at work and get in trouble for it. It makes me sink deeper into the den I call my office. My friend Will told me it was a manifestation of others being intimidated, but I don't know. I can't imagine anyone being intimidated by me. Even if I am rather opinionated...

I can't remember the last time I had a good cry. Tonight, I sat down and watched Greys Anatomy and Ghost Whisperer. Two shows that are guaranteed to make me cry. Nothing. Not tonight. What happened to real emotion? I did not even cry over the end of my last relationship. I merely shrugged and moved on. The last time I cried I was told that I was overreacting by one of my best friends .

I sometimes feel like the world is moving on without me and were I to disappear, it would affect no one. I know I am not the only one to feel this way, but jeepers, what a sucky way to feel.

Have I been isolated? Have I isolated myself? I don't know. I can't take it, yet it helps me build these incredibly formidible walls. I don't want them anymore. I don't know how to tear them down.


Blogger Law-Rah said...

My little bubble friend, I would absolutely be affected if you were to disappear! In fact, I think more people than you realize would be heartbroken. You may not see it because you live in your own crazy head, but you really do have a profound affect on the people who are lucky enough to have you in our lives.

You do have walls, hell we all do, but you should realize that many of us can see through them to the big-hearted class-clown on the inside that is still just looking for her place in life. And some of us, when peeking through your walls, even see a little of ourselves.

Oh, and as for Grey's, I thought last week's episode was WEAK on the tear-inducing front;-)

I heart you. And it is too early in the morning for this.

10/25/2007 07:46:00 AM  
Blogger DCSportsChick said...

Aw, I'm sorry you feel isolated. I haven't said no to you, you just never ask me. :-P I was actually going to ask you to come over last night, because it's no fun to sit around and eat Thai food by myself. But I figured you were busy with school. (I guess I don't want to hear no too.) Taking risks is a sucky thing, but we'll never get anywhere if we don't do it. Take my hand and we can jump into the deep end together. You're not alone.

10/25/2007 08:47:00 AM  
Anonymous haveyouseenlucky said...

Things are really hectic for me, but when I get down there (in one week) I'll be bugging you to do crap all the time.

You better be helping me move. You can be in charge of my barbells.

10/25/2007 12:02:00 PM  
Blogger Claudette said...

"The last time I cried I was told that I was overreacting by one of my best friends ." I would cry if one of my best friends said this to me but then again, you know I'm a crier.

I think you should reach out and take the risk of hearing no. Is it whining if I mention that you were gonna get back to me when things settled down with one of your last classes so that we could do dinner again and I never heard back about that? My stoopid dad used to say that "insistence breeds victims". I knew what he meant but whatever, if you want a response, you insist, right? :-) I should insist.

Love you. Buy you a drink and watch sunset together on beach in Cabos?

10/25/2007 04:13:00 PM  

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