Recap of a show you probably didn't watch, but I did and will again.

Dear friends,
As my predilection for bad reality television keeps me monitoring the channels for new shows to tape, I found and watched Celebrity Duets tonight. As such, should you desire to speak with me, you must do so via written word as my ears have turned black and fallen off from the musical stylings of the wondrous pipes of those such as Leah Thompson and Carly Patterson (the gymnast who apparently plans to make a career out of singing. Singing. With her voice.)

Some notes from my experience:

My relationship with (wrestler) Chris Jericho is over. You heard it here first! The singing and stage presence was so unfortunate. Well, maybe I wouldn't kick him out of bed, unless he tried singing to me. (He is just a little too cute. And the acid wash, tightly fitted gray jeans were making me go blind in my left eye. I had already begun to lose my hearing at this point, losing an eye was simply too much to bear.) I did not want to see the softer side of Chris Jericho. I liked the Best Week Ever Chris.

I think that the crush that was reserved for Chris has been transferred to Lucy Lawless (though I would kick her out for singing, too). Has she always been that pretty?

Hal Sparks is kind of dweeby, but he could be my boyfriend if he'd just call me back.

Please send Carly Patterson home. She makes my ears fold up and insert themselves into my eustachian tubes in an attempt to protect me from the horror.

Fricken' hell! Gladys Knight is adorable. The little Randy Jackson inside my head is all "She Blows, Dog!" Which I find viciously insulting of such an icon, so I had the little Simon Cowell in my head knock him down.

Um... Little Richard talked at length about Cheech Marin's bone.... um.... That gives me scabies. Gross.

I kind of dig Michelle Williams voice. (Destiny's Child #3). I wonder how many packs of cigarettes I would have to smoke in order to sound like her.

Send Carly Patterson home. (I totally give her props for being so brave, but honey, think of the children.)

Does Little Richard do his own bedazzling or does he send it out? Why is he little Richard? Who was big Richard? Is something little on him? Scratch that! Don't wanna know.

I had to fast forward through the recap to see them send Carly Patterson home, right? It's between her and my ex. Keep Chris. At least he is hot, even if he is wearing those jeans.

They kept Carly and sent Chris Jericho packing. (Ha, packing.) Damn. At least he won't sink further. Go do something fierce, Chris! Maybe my crush on you will resurface... when you are not singing.