Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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I ain't too proud to bug.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

30, going on 13

A few years ago, I was the saddest girl and my mother took me from my sorrows on a trip away from my life. We went out of town and my mother became my protector and caretaker. We went to see "13 Going on 30". It was completely how I was feeling. This absolute desire to go back to being a child. To let my mother take care of me. And I was hurting the way a 13 year old hurts.
That was a rough time. Being 13, I mean. You don't know who you are, where you stand, what kind of person you are going to be. That is exactly how I felt when we went to see that movie. Alas, I can't go back and get a "redo".
I just watched that movie again. And I feel that way again. Like a lost 13 year old. I can't quite seem to figure myself out. I thought I had everything I wanted and now I just want to have my mommy wrap her arms around me while I cry into her shoulder. And I want her to pat my hair and tell me it will all be okay.
This whole life thing is so scary. I'm tired of making choices and hurting people, and being hurt by people. I am so terrified that all I am making is foolish mistakes. What if everything I am doing is wrong? What if everything I ever loved is a big lie? What if I am just impossible to love?
I feel like I am trying to do things right. I feel like I am a nice person, somewhere under all this. I am trying to set up my life to be a good one and to help other people, but am I wishy-washy? Am I just coasting my life away?
I am 13 again. Lost, confused and feeling really small.

8 Comments:

Blogger Buggie said...

And to make to add insult to injury... my skin is like a 13 year olds right now. Does it never end?

8/28/2005 04:43:00 PM  
Blogger Claudette said...

Jems made a similar point on his blog about a month or so about. After spending a weekend with his parents on vacation, he felt he just wanted to go back home and live with them. Be coddled by Mom, reflect on life with his Dad and build on his bond with his brother. If I hadn't just gotten out of my Mom's home (after Lu and I lived with her for a year +) I'd probably ask myself the same thing right now from time to time. I can't pretend to know how you feel, I only know how I feel and I know that scarey feeling all too well at times.

Is it wanting to live up to what we think we should be as 'adults' at our age? I don't know. I know we have expectatations for ourselves though and sometimes it brings on anxieties when we don't feel that we're where we shold be.

All I can give as advice is, listen to what you're asking yourself and try to give yourself the peace and time to try to figure it out.

If you want an ear to listen though, when ya feel like venting, call a sista up. ;-) I got plenty of venting if you want to exchange views on this though. :-)

8/28/2005 09:52:00 PM  
Blogger Buggie said...

Thanks, Cluss. It's not so much wanting to be mothered as it is not ready to be an adult yet. Remember how we were at 13? Thinking we were so adult, yet completely incapable of being completely true to ourselves. I remember when I was in 7th grade, I had a group of friends who were complete dorks. And sometimes the cool kids would allow me in and I would dump those dorks soooo fast. Then when the cool kids were done with me, I'd go crawling back to the dorks and they would always be my friends. It was just so mean of me and so great of them. But so indicative of the time. Not saying that my friends now are dorks. Not at all. It's just that I feel like I am at a crossroads and don't know which direction I'm headed. The strange part is knowing how great my life really is, why is it not good enough for me?

8/28/2005 10:08:00 PM  
Blogger Busted Flip Flop said...

Hey Buggie I know how you feel kinda cause I've been thru something similar recently were I felt like I was expected to be and 'adult' or I guess not act like such a goof most of the time and make, what others view as, more adult decisions in life. It took some time (and still is) but I'm realizing that my life is lived by me for me, many won't like it or approve, many will judge and comment, many will compare and try/succeed in hurting me but in the end, it's my life. I really don't care if my decision is not the one someone else would make and I won't apologize for enjoying my life the way I want...otherwise it wouldn't be my life and/or enjoyable.

I had the opportunity to live with my parents (who I adore) after a really bad time in my life and it drove me nuts, lol. It defenitly made me appreciate my ability to change my path at any moment and open my eyes when making decisions.

Life should never be good enough... otherwise why would we dream,wish and blog? ;)

8/29/2005 12:29:00 AM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Adult do-overs would be so awesome. I loved being a kid and all you had to do was plead your case as to why a do-over was necessary and if the majority agreed, then you got to start over...if not, tough shit. I am not saying "tough shit' for you Buggie, but I don't think you are entirely lost...maybe just walking next to the paved path so it's all bumpy, muddy and crappy. But you've got people there with ya, and soon enough you'll be able to find the paved path again (or at least a really cool bumpy one that you actually CHOSE to take).

8/29/2005 12:41:00 PM  
Blogger Buggie said...

You guys all rule and I think it is you that reminds me everyday that my life is truly fantastic.
BFF: Thanks. It's so true. Why should I concern myself with how others want me to live. I'm doing pretty damn well with my life.
BB: Let's push each back onto the damn paved path. It's gotta be easier, no?
(And I will totally give you a do-over if you call one.)

8/29/2005 06:53:00 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Aw, yay to do overs! And maybe we need some rope or something to get back on there? We must approach this logically!

8/30/2005 06:06:00 PM  
Blogger Buggie said...

See Marci? We are a little grown up. You wanna do it logically.

8/30/2005 09:55:00 PM  

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