Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Completely self indulgent

Ever come to the realization that you have made a complete change in your life? I don't think I started off with the idea to make a conscious change, but suddenly it became a mission to get myself to a place where I feel completely at home with myself. I realized it today. After months of procrastination, I went yesterday and finally took the test to get myself back into school and finish my bachelor's degree. It was really hard and while taking it, I truly believed that I would fail and then have to wait six more months to take it again. But I passed. (And now feel like the smartest person in the world, because did I mention IT WAS HARD??!!!) So, I as soon as I get my packet from school, I will officially be a student again. I have to say that I am really proud of myself. Mostly because I realized that I am doing this for me. Not for my mom, not for my boss and not for my friends. For me.
I decided to take today off. My bosses are all out and I figured I could get some stuff done. And I woke early and started to clean up and put things in storage and get rid of other things. I have to go to court in September because I am a retardedly fast driver and therefore need to take a defensive driving class to demonstrate how much I have learned my lesson. This class can be taken online, yet still takes 8 hours, so I did about one third of the Defensive driving course. I spent some time with my mom and my brother before they go off to Oregon tomorrow. I recognize that so much of what I am comes from my family and I am so blessed to have them.
Now I am back home and I looked around. The whole place looks different. I want my house to be a home. It's going to take me a while, but I have realized that I have spent so much of my life being what I assumed other people wanted me to be, or just accepting whatever it is that I have. Not to say that it is necessarily bad, but it has made me unaware of who I am.
Hence this whole long diatribe. I have being doing stuff for me. I am making a home for myself. I came into my home tonight with a contented feeling I can't describe. I feel like I am finally starting to stretch out in my own skin and I can't wait to see where it takes me. I can't wait to start school and to paint my walls and get to know myself, and not in a dirrty way, punks.

6 Comments:

Blogger Bekkah said...

Congratulations on passing your test!

I've often thought of going back and finishing what I started, but that's usually where this thought stops...much respect for doing what I only dream of!!

8/13/2005 09:56:00 AM  
Blogger Claudette said...

Congrats smart Bug! That's so exciting!

I loved reading this post. I kept wanting to be by you so I could just turn and hug you. Everything you said made perfect sense and I've felt this all myself and will probably feel it again at times. Who knows. Point is, good for you for deciding to be proactive and really take a good hard look at what you really want for you.

8/15/2005 10:02:00 AM  
Anonymous Rich said...

Yay, great job!

8/15/2005 12:36:00 PM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

See! You passed! I knew you would. Wooo, we can celebrate that this weekend with a mad assortment of vodka-based concoctions? You know, to kill off those cells retaining your newly-crammed psycho-learnin'.

8/15/2005 04:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buggie, I'm so, so proud and happy for you. See you on Thursday. xxxooo Jen

8/16/2005 06:55:00 AM  
Blogger Nick Roberts said...

I definitely don't have all the answers , but I know that as long as people keep sharing ideas like this, the truth will eventually reveal itself and hopefully make the world a safer place to live in. I've been looking for defensive driving in Florida info and news - yeah I know I should probably get a life, but there's just something about defensive driving in Florida that gets me thinking of how we can make our roads safer.

This post was a good read compared to a lot of the other stuff that's out there! Keep up the good work, I will definitely swing by again soon.

12/23/2005 06:52:00 AM  

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