Rut

I think I am in a rut. It seems to be a common denominator amongst my friends. It seems like everything is freaking me out and I have absolutely no vision of where my future could take me. That's so scary. I am going to be 32 this year. I remember when I was 17 and Madonna was 32. It seemed like she had it going on. It was a great year for the (prepare for overused moniker) Material Girl. And when Sheryl Crow turned 32, she had a banner year. So, I always thought that 32 would be the year for me. My thoughts were that at 32, life had been lived. I always had it in mind that by the time I hit 32, I would have lived long enough to have made mistakes I would learn from, have gone through the troubles and be wise enough to make the most of my life. I thought that at 32 you were old enough to recognize who you were and young enough to appreciate it.
I will be 32 this year. I have no idea who I am.
I thought that the career thing would be taking off... I have no career.
I am still living for futures that might possibly never happen. I work for a company where I can't even check this blog. My car is dented. My new washer does not work. My tooth is broken and is hurting my tongue. I am not out of debt. I don't have a dog, or even a ferret. I never learned Italian. I have never even been to Italy.
And I hate when I feel sorry for myself. I mean, seriously... I have a new washer/dryer (might not work.. but the idea is there.), I can speak German and have been to Germany. I don't really want a dog right now. It would be so hard to try to go out of town all the time. My tooth is broken, but I have an appointment at the dentist on Wednesday. My car is brand new, so beyond the dent, it doesn't cause me any stress at all. Who is really ever out of debt? At least I am getting close.
It's funny how my state of mind completely affects my view of my life. And how a simple thing like hanging out with a good friend can straighten me out.
I am not looking forward to this birthday, because all the things I said about being 32 really are firmly planted in my head. But, I also have 5 months to get myself closer to that goal.
Jeepers. 32! I don't feel old, but I remember how grown up I thought that was when I was 17. I don't feel grown up at all.

PS: It cost a mazillion dollars to get the washer/dryer installed. So when the washer suddenly stopped draining, I called the guy who installed it to make it better. The thing is that in order to speak to "Ken", one must first call the company and have him paged. Alas, Ken never calls you back. So, after many times paging Ken and not being called back, I left a particularly hostile message for him. One that he responded to right away. But when told about my machine, he said that the problem was not the tubing, but rather a problem with the machine's pump. So I went home, examined my machine and felt that this man, who is a mazillion dollars richer because of this machine, should come and look at it and tell me for certain that the problem lies in the machine and not in his workmanship. Therefore the paging started anew. Two weeks go by and it takes another particularly hostile call to get Ken to return to me. I tell him that he needs to check it out and if I am wrong about it being the hose, I will apologize. (We all know this is huge payment from me.) He contemplates and decides that he can take a precious 5 minute break from his hectic day to examine his work at my place. So when he called me today to tell me that the hose was indeed broken, he did not offer an apology. But at least my washer will be fixed and I can say I TOLD YOU SO! Punkass. Why can't people just do things when I ask them the first time?