Ah Bugger

The vapid utterings of a neurotic mind.

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Location: DC, United States

I ain't too proud to bug.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Prude to be an American

So, I'm in Germany. My mom lives near this spa. It's a pool that takes its water from a natural spring. It's warm and a little salty. That last fact is rather unpleasant when you just took a razor to your monkey legs in an attempt to be more presentable. Otherwise, it is awesome. Also, there is an in pool exercise class every hour. I did two of them.
My mom decided to treat us each to a massage at this spa. Glorious, right? I went first. I went into the spa area whilst my mother splashed around in the pool. I was led into a small room by a young lady. In the room was a massage table and not much else. She told me to strip to the waste. I lingered a bit, wondering would she leave? Nope. Um.
Okay, no problem. I'm not prude, right? So I whip my t-shirt off with aplomb and throw it on a stool. Didn't even fold it!
Standing there in my bra and pants, I stop. Turning to her I say bra, too? She says, yeah. Or you can just lay down and unclasp it. Okay. yeah. I'll do that. At this point it has become weird for me. Weird that I am making it a big deal and weird that she stayed to watch me strip down.
I lay down on the table and unclasp. Then I start thinking about how that looks. Bra all tangled up under me. That leads me to thinking about what she's thinking about. Is she thinking that I'm weird? Prude?
In the mess of getting my pseudo naked body onto the table, I was too far up and when I put my face into the little face hole, the bridge of my nose was smushed. I could have just slid down a bit, but things were already uncomfortable, so I just stayed there. Hurting.
The massage itself was nice. But then when she was finished, I sat up and reached right for my over the shoulder pebble holder, awkwardly, of course. She said, relax. Enjoy this heat lamp I'm gonna put on you. Heat lamp? Okay.
She leaves the room and I continue to awkwardly lay there, still too high on the table and slightly undressed. The lamp still had three minutes on it, but I bolted out of there feeling like a teenager whose dad thinks it is a cool idea for him to have his first sexual experience at a brothel.
DRAMATIC!
It's not my first massage. I dunno what my problem was.
Seriously, though. So prude. I am definitely not a real German.